Romantically-Inclined Commuters

Public transportation, while physically wall-less and barrier-free, will agonize one’s sense of stability within their social world. To experience this sensation to the fullest extent, it is recommended for one to use public transportation at least twice a day and a minimum of five days a week. Travel alone for maximum observation time and tend to be an inwardly-focused individual. Best results have been seen in those who were raised in a rural or suburban environment and have not lived in their new urban setting long enough to have stopped reminding themselves that they still are not used their new surroundings, yet adaptable enough to remind themselves that this is no reason to fret. Sitting or standing, one may observe their fellow commuters (this phrase is generous and sometimes accurate, but most often it is, well, generous) as a visitor in a zoo or aquarium. Ages of subjects range, as do skin pigmentations, odors, decibel levels, body temperature, family size, preferred language of communication, etc. At various times of day and/or the year and/or if there is a sporting and/or public event (like a tween-worshipped adolescent performer) in town, the inside of the bus or train car becomes more of a petting zoo. Travel becomes very intimate and physical contact is rarely consensual. Travelers are warned to be wary of those who do appear to consent. The lone observer requires skills with controlled breathing (namely using the mouth to inhale as to avoid nasal un-pleasantries) and the calming ability to mentally place themselves in a place or time far from their current vicinity while contained in cramped quarters. The subject is also best suited to be either rather tall (as to obtain a hand grip on a rail and not another’s shoulder) or rather short (as to use their low center of gravity in maintaining a vertical position during these tight times).

The lone observer may be tested the most if they are equal parts inwardly-focused and romantically inclined. These moments often times blindside the loner, but there are times they seek these moments out. Subjects have described seeing another of the opposite sex to whom they are visually attracted as “as agonizing as a near-kiss,” stating that there are times when the duration of the ride becomes a slow-motion rendering of “leaning in to a brilliant smile, only to have her turn her mouth, except you don’t get her cheek, you just kind of move through her.” There are some times, however, when pure and true subway flirtation occurs. While derived from above-ground, standstill flirtation, the non-verbal nature of subway flirtation often times provides the romantically-inclined introverted loner a combination of emotional release and emotional taxation. “Speech gets trapped in your mind, perhaps it even gets so far as to formulate in your windpipe, but your mouth opens and the words burst and one of you get off at the next stop,” explains one subject. On the whole, these commuters have reported that they enjoy these pseudo-interactions while traveling and would like to see them continue. When asked what other romantic loners should expect when riding across from an attractive specimen, subjects answered, “you should expect that you will notice the book she’s reading and come up with a handful of conversation starters that you’ll never say and you’ll most likely imagine your first sexual encounter with her and even how she’d softly giggle as you’re carrying her across the threshold of your first house.” Regardless, after enough of these encounters, these fantasies will leave one with “a muddling of serene happiness and tormenting ego deflation.” It is recommended that all romantics travel with an open and hyper-imagininative mind.

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